Yes, you heard right. People are no longer just marrying people of the opposite sex, people of the same sex, and people who are dead. Now they're marrying themselves. All sorts of interesting questions now get raised. Is it bigamy for her to marry someone else? Does this make her a lesbian? Should she double her name and hyphenate it to become Jennifer Hoes-Hoes, so as not to give undue influence from the groom's name? I can't agree with all the conclusions of the author, but some of the questions are quite funny.
Here are some more that may not have occurred to the author. Is this incest? Will death be enough to do her part? Does masturbation count as consummating the marriage, joining her with herself in some spiritual way that wasn't true before? Are her siblings now her sibilings-in-law and her parents her parents-in-law? Should she count herself as two people on official documents and as both parents of any children she adopts or acquires in some other way?
Link kudos to Ockhamism in a Real World.
Hmm. At least it legitimizes masturbation as sex between a married couple.
Hmm. I thought that was one of the things that demonstrated how insane this was to begin with.
I know a fair number of Christians who give married couples counsel on sexual matters, and not one of them finds anything wrong with married couples doing with each other the same actions that someone might do while masturbating (i.e. manual stimulation). But what you said is "at least it legitimizes masturbation as sex between a married couple" [emphasis mine], which makes absolutely no sense. Masturbation is a private action and is therefore not between one person and another. It can affect how one thinks of another and can affect their relationship (and I think it can sometimes legitimately be described as sexual abuse that the other person doesn't ever find out about). Therefore, it's not sex between anyone.
If defining an action in a certain way makes it sound as if masturbation is between people, when by definition it's a solo act, then it shows that way of describing the action has violated some crucial theoretical distinction, in this case the definition of marriage, which involves two people no matter how else you think of it. Marriage to yourself makes no sense, and using it to "legitimize masturbation between a married couple" is just one impossible effect of such an impossible action.
The story I linked to is no longer up, but I found this one.